8 JANUARY 4-10, 2024 westword.com WESTWORD | MUSIC | CAFE | CULTURE | NIGHT+DAY | NEWS | LETTERS | CONTENTS | it. … I always knew it could be a job.” But before his hobby could balloon into a career, he joined the United States Army. After he got out, his uncle suggested he move to Key West and perform for tourists. Balloons were a particular hit. “They are a little easier to market, and, if I’m honest with myself, I was an okay magician, but I’m a great balloon artist,” he says. “I kind of stuck with my strength.” And improved on it, moving far beyond those early kit instructions and coming up with his own techniques. For a while, Schmitt traveled around the country, offering balloon entertainment wherever he went. He was working in Las Vegas until the city passed its Pedestrian Mall Ordi- nance in 2015, which made busking on Fremont Street (second in fame only to the Strip, and known for its street performers) much more dif- fi cult, restricting amplifi ed sound, banning performance tools like ani- mals and large hula-hoops, prohibit- ing entertainment for which a fee is charged, and putting some areas — such as spots around ATMs — off limits while limiting hours in others. “No street performer may use a particular designated location for a performance within the specifi ed time frame for more than two hours at a time,” the ordinance reads. “The City or the Fremont Street Limited Liability Company shall establish a lottery system by which perform- ers are allotted designated locations within the specifi ed time frame.” City officials argued that Las Vegas needed the ordinance in order to improve the function and safety of the pedestrian corridor. But it made earning a living much more diffi cult, since performers had to com- pete for prime spots — and even then, they could only work for tips. Schmitt couldn’t make his business func- tion under the new conditions, so he set off to fi nd his next adventure. “I did a twelve-week trip across Amer- ica,” he says. “I went back and forth twice, through about ten different cities, and Den- ver was one of my favorites. I had an Army buddy here, so that helped.” In 2018, he moved to Aurora. Unlike Las Vegas, Denver doesn’t have many regulations that restrict buskers, who don’t need a license in this city. The Down- town Denver Partnership does regulate street performers on the 16th Street Mall, though: They must move often, clean up after themselves, and can’t impede the pe- destrian right-of-way. So Schmitt never focused much on downtown (which came in handy when the mall was torn up for construction); instead, he started exploring bars as performance venues. Today, he estimates that only about 5 to 10 percent of his work involves scheduled events such as children’s birthday parties (clients fi nd him through his social media or word of mouth). Instead, Schmitt leans into the bar scene for his main source of income. “One of the great things about doing the bars and things like that is, if I don’t have a gig, I just go out and set up,” he says. Focusing on adults also allowed Schmitt to try some new tricks. Although he’s found that children and adults enjoy the same sort of balloon cre- ations — dogs, unicorns and swords are popular with people of all ages — he can stretch his repertoire at bars. “I also do more adult-themed balloons, and those have gone over quite well,” Schmitt says. “I actually have a pretty good penis bal- loon that I’ve won some awards for. It’s been one of the mainstays at the bars.” He won a 2019 Dirty Balloon Competition in Las Vegas with a life-sized male stripper. “But it was mostly the dick that won it for me,” Schmitt admits. One of his friends came up with a technique that Schmitt employs for his penises. By putting a balloon inside of another balloon, he can cre- ate a textured skin around the interior balloon. “I use that to make the veins in my pe- nises,” he says. “It came with the territory of working with adults. You get asked for it a lot just because of the shape of the balloons when you fi rst start blowing one up. In an adult scenario, everybody always says, ‘Oh, look, it’s a dick,’ just because they’re long and skinny to start with.” He cheekily offers “chocolate or vanilla” and “hat, bracelet or strap-on” options to drunken revelers. The balloon penises even include a small white balloon dan- gling off the tip, into which Schmitt inserts a fl ashing LED light that’s either white or rainbow, to signify “the cum part,” he says. “It’s actually a pretty technical balloon,” Schmitt adds. “It’s probably one of the hardest ones that I make on a regular basis, but I make it so often it’s become easy.” He’s made it so often because he spends nearly every Friday and Saturday night making penises and other balloon fi gures at the bars. Most places he’s tested out are open to his presence, though a few have asked him to leave, and others have allowed him to stay the night but then asked him not to return. Sometimes it’s because the penises were offensive; sometimes it’s because management just sees him as disruptive. “It’s happened, but it’s rare,” Schmitt says. “Most of the time the bars see that I’m providing a service to them, helping people stay longer, drink more, things like that. ... Some places don’t want dicks there, and that’s understandable. I can do things other than dicks, but it’s one of those things where if somebody asked for one, I don’t want to say, ‘Yeah, go meet me at this other bar in ten minutes.’” The Air Apparent continued from page 7 OPHIDIANLENS/COURTESY OF RYAN SCHMITT EVAN SEMÓN OPHIDIANLENS/COURTESY OF RYAN SCHMITT Schmitt is developing a new product to enhance events with balloons. Ryan Schmitt can make nearly anything out of a balloon, but his penis balloons are special.
