27 March 30th–april 5th, 2023 phoenixnewtimes.com phoenix new Times | cONTeNTs | feeDBacK | OPiNiON | NeWs | feaTuRe | NighT+Day | culTuRe | film | cafe | music | Oh, the uni. I should have known better than to try the uni, but dear reader, this is the service I provide. I eat the uni at Kura Revolving Sushi Bar so you don’t have to. And you shouldn’t. Seriously, please don’t. Sea urchin roe is one of my favorite foods in the world, but these skanky, mustard gray lobes screamed with a foul acrid sharpness and the bitter aftertaste of chemical burn. The thought of all the people who tried uni for the first time at Kura and swore it off forever just breaks my heart. As a grim coda, I spied a roll on the conveyor belt — removed and replaced by a diner, I suspect — that had slipped off the plate and become partially masticated by Mr. Fresh’s plexiglass maw. It stayed there all night, a mangled reminder of the evening’s carnage, passing us over and over again at precise 11-minute intervals. Defensive Dining at Kura Kura is pretty awful most of the time. Unfortunately, it’s also awfully fun, which means your friends, co-workers, and kids are going to drag you there. Heck, I’ll be back. My daughter loves the place. And it is possible to cobble together an inoffensive meal at Kura, if you are so inclined, but you have to be smart about it. I don’t recommend it. I don’t recommend any of this. But in a pinch, you can refer to Dom’s Guide to Defensive Ordering at Kura. For nigiri, best to stick to the fatty fish or — I can’t believe I’m saying this — anything with mayo. A little bit goes a long way toward mellowing out those lean, raggedy cuts. Garlic ponzu sashimi is little more than the minced-up scraps left over from the nigiri, but drowning it in a bright sauce gives a little zip to otherwise flavorless protein. Eel is pretty safe, since that’s usually a pack- aged item anyway. Ditto inari sushi. And hand rolls ordered from the express belt at least guarantee that your meal hasn’t been circulating for three hours. The beef ojyu — sukiyaki-esque simmered beef and onions served over rice — isn’t half bad. And the sweetly dressed ten jyu is a collection of tempura items that have a little crisp, sugary zip. Ramen is overdone and oversalted, though the tantanmen version will do. Better is a bowl of shrimp tempura udon that’s clean and simple and hard to screw up. The shishito salmon skin was actually tasty — lightly fried slivers of skin with a good amount of meat attached, served with blistered fresh peppers. And the Japanese-style soy milk donuts make for a solid fried dough and ice cream dessert. But these are the palatable exceptions to a mostly dismal collection that becomes all the more deflating when you stop to consider our dwindling seafood supply. The quality of the food is distressing enough, but watching its consumption so casually and carelessly mass-marketed and gamified inspires a particularly exqui- site horror. If we’re going to fish bluefin tuna into extinction, can’t we at least give them a better sendoff than this? Then again, junk food has a place in every culture. Am I just a snobby killjoy? I’ll demolish a Big Mac every now and again, and it isn’t as though beef doesn’t come with its own baggage these days, but sushi like this feels so wrong. Maybe I’m just sad that given the choice between artful and awful, so many people choose the latter. Maybe I’m justi- fying my sadness over the fact that so few people seem to appreciate what sushi can be in the right hands. Maybe the only difference between me and Mr. Snootypants is where we set the threshold. Kura Revolving Sushi Bar 11 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. Sunday through Thursday; 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Friday and Saturday 1949 East Camelback Road, #164 520-479-2888 1928 West Chandler Boulevard, Chandler 520-479-2707 www.kurasushi.com Conveyor belt plates $3.30; sides $3-$8; soups and noodles $5-$10; rice dishes $10. Dystopian from p25 Dominic Armato A robot with a cute animated face and a British accent delivers drinks to your table.
