10 Oct 3rd-Oct 9th, 2024 phoenixnewtimes.com PHOENIX NEW TIMES | NEWS | FEATURE | FOOD & DRINK | ARTS & CULTURE | MUSIC | CONCERTS | CANNABIS | “conducting a ‘show trial’” and labeled court staff as “rude” and “robotic.” He also lambasted his own clients as “ignorant, angry, greedy, nasty, belligerent, confronta- tional and irrational.” The bar hit him with a 30-day suspen- sion and placed him on probation for two years. Soon, he was in disfavor with the bar again, this time for allegedly screwing up a case that cost the client $40,000. Goldman defied a State Bar subpoena for his client file and was found in contempt of court. He skipped the panel hearing and wound up a three-year suspension this March. In June, the State Bar filed a seven- count complaint that accused Goldman of a host of failures, including not appearing for court dates, not answering subpoenas and not informing clients of his suspen- sion. The bar complaint also alleged that during Goldman’s divorce proceedings, he failed to comply with court orders, refused to leave a residence that was to be sold as part of the divorce settlement and engaged in “abusive and obstreperous behavior with opposing counsel and court- appointed professionals.” Goldman again deflected blame. “To say that these venues were a confederacy of dunces is an understatement,” Goldman wrote in a filing to the bar, adding that the family law judges and lawyers “were incompetent and dishonest.” On Sept. 4, the bar officially ordered Goldman’s name “stricken from the roll of lawyers in Arizona.” Free at last Goldman blames his tsuris with the bar on his ill health and the aftereffects of the widowmaker heart attack he had in 2021. “It’s the worst heart attack you could possibly have,” he said. “The survival rate is 10% and the first symptom is sudden death.” In its wake, Goldman said he began having trouble remembering things. His doctors gave him cognitive tests, which he passed. They told him he was OK, but he was confused. He’d never had to take notes before, and now he had to. Goldman said his symptoms progressed to the point that he had to take “copious amounts of Adderall” to stay awake in court. A year after his heart attack, he passed out and was rushed to the hospital. His doctors told him he had “severe” type 2 diabetes and was close to slipping into a diabetic coma. Goldman said he informed the bar but received no mercy or offers of help. Unsurprisingly, he does not hold the bar in high esteem. Most attorneys, even the most pugnacious ones, are “pussies” when it comes to the State Bar, he said. A spokesperson for the State Bar did not immediately reply to a request for comment. But that’s all in the rearview now. Standup comedy is what lies ahead of him. He discovered his passion for it after a trip to the Tempe Improv with his girlfriend. A quasi-star with a Netflix show was head- lining, but Goldman wasn’t impressed. “I just said to myself, ‘I could do 10 times better than this guy,’” Goldman said. “What a joke.” Goldman said he’s taken the micro- phone at several open-mic nights around town, but they don’t give him much time to tell his stories. He’s got plenty of them. “I have not hours but days of material,” he said. He’s looking for an agent “to get me some real gigs, like in Las Vegas, opening there for people.” Whether the Strip is more welcoming to Goldman than an Arizona courtroom remains to be seen. There’s no licensing body for aspiring comedians, only the verdict of the audience’s laughter. Goldman may have been ordered to stop lawyering, but he insists people want him to keep telling jokes. “Now I just get up there on stage, and before I know it, it’s over,” he said. “But the crowd wants me to keep going. They tell me, ‘Don’t stop.’” Now-disbarred attorney Mark Goldman helped engineer Joe Arpaio’s presidential pardon in 2017. (Photo by Gage Skidmore) Lawyer Jokes from p 8
