14 Aug 17th–Aug 23rd, 2023 phoenixnewtimes.com phoenix new Times | music | cafe | film | culTuRe | NighT+Day | feaTuRe | NeWs | OPiNiON | feeDBacK | cONTeNTs | QUEEN CREEK Has a name that sounds like it came from a fantasy novel, but the only dragons you’ll find here are in the Dungeons & Dragons club at the local high school. ARCADIA Where the grass is always greener, literally, because everyone’s obsessed with lawn care. It’s the land of 100-year-old citrus trees and the constant smell of Whole Foods hot bar. BILTMORE Where the only thing higher than the golf course fees are the Botox injections. The major pastime? Brunch, darling. MOON VALLEY The residents might not be actual astro- nauts, but the HOA fees are pretty much out of this world. AHWATUKEE Often called “the world’s largest cul-de- sac.” People get lost so frequently in Ahwatukee, the community has started handing out compasses at the annual Chili Cook-Off. CAVE CREEK Cowboy boots are in vogue here 365 days a year, even at the hippest bars. And don’t be surprised if your bartender is also your rodeo champion. ... Where the Old West meets organic, free-range, grass-fed arti- sanal beef jerky. LAVEEN Yes, it’s technically part of Phoenix, but only by about three cows and a half-hour drive. The place where everyone assures you that the city will “grow out this way” any day now. ANTHEM It’s like Pleasantville, but with more cacti and coyotes. Just make sure you adhere to the official “Anthem look” — beige houses, beige cars and beige clothes. Beige is the new black here! DOWNTOWN PHOENIX Where ambition and artistry collide ... often quite literally due to those newfangled scooters whizzing around on the sidewalks. Congratulations, you’ve made it to the beating heart of Arizona, where the most challenging part of your day could be deciding whether to order an organic, locally sourced, grass-fed avocado toast or the kombucha-infused, cruelty- free, non-GMO breakfast burrito at that artisanal hipster coffee shop you just discovered. A place where the concept of ‘rustic’ has been stretched so far, it’s starting to encompass “early 20th-century factory chic.” Amusing, right? Maybe you chuckled or maybe your scratched your head since some of the descriptions were a little out of date. Gilbert, for example, has become more of a nightlife hub in recent years. You might have even started prepping for the inevitable robot apocalypse, given ChatGPT’s disdain for the Valley. Regardless, there were a few metro Phoenix suburbs that notajazzmusician didn’t include in their list, such as Apache Junction, Buckeye and Fountain Hills. So for completionist’s sake, we hit up ChatGPT and asked it to describe those cities and towns. Here are the results in alphabetical order. APACHE JUNCTION Where the desert sun sculpts residents into human jerky. It’s a town where retirees flock like vultures to feast on discounted early bird specials, and the main form of entertainment is watching cacti grow. BUCKEYE Where there are more cows than people and the smell of manure wafts through the air like a symphony of stinky pride. It’s a city where the term “rush hour” refers to the stampede of tumbleweeds down Main Street. The buck stops here and so does the excitement. Midjourney generatred AI images with prompts by Emma Randall. Roasting Arizona from p 13 >> p 16 BILTMORE DOWNTOWN PHX
