17 July 2nd - July 8th, 2026 phoenixnewtimes.com PHOENIX NEW TIMES | NEWS | FEATURE | FOOD & DRINK | ARTS & CULTURE | MUSIC | CONCERTS | CANNABIS | That said, most Buc-ee’s enthusiasts in line tend to use the ubiquitous food influ- encer metric of “10/10, no notes” when asked to describe this brisket experience. The beaver cult may have come for them, because this is some of the worst barbecue to ever cross state lines. With a slimy viscosity and synthetic bite of liquid smoke, the brisket goes down like wet beef jerky, the fibers of the meat fusing with the snotty, reheated fat, while the peppery sauce unsubtly bends the force of your palate’s will to acquiesce to the concept that this is barbecue. It’s an abomination that is only margin- ally a win if you consider that this is gas station food. This, of course, is a cheat code, one that Buc-ee’s relies upon in its culinary and customer-service conquests. This brisket sandwich isn’t bad for a gas station. That bathroom was immaculate for a gas station! When the bar is low, any passing of the hurdle seems like a Herculean feat. Thus, the beaverian culture of mediocrity, in which everything you see in this grand, over- whelming space falls, becomes the only metric of judgment. Buc-ee’s asks us to judge not, lest we start judging, and if we were to do that, we might not know where to stop. The beaver wears a red hat for a reason Perhaps it’s low-hanging fruit to take food critic swipes at the monolith that has now occupied the outskirts of our city. If we are to truly judge a cult, perhaps food and beverage is not a fair barometer. Instead, let’s take a look at the fruit of their works, and no, not the fairly fresh-looking portable fruit cups. For one couple in line for the Goodyear opening, traveling from Las Vegas and wearing matching commemorative Buc-ee’s t-shirts celebrating the birth of the country, being asked who they thought the eager beaver’s favorite president would be triggered an immediate, in unison response: “Trump! He creates jobs, and Buc-ee creates jobs! They’re both getting things done!” the couple explains. Another Buc-ee goer, in line for the early morning festivities, rested a semi- automatic pistol and two clips on his hips as he scanned the horizon. According to his understanding of Buc-ee’s legalities, the great beaver permits open-carrying in the store, should you need it. It should come as little surprise that Arch “Beaver” Culpin III is known to be a prominent Republican-supporting donor in his home state of Texas, where he has, according to Transparency USA, donated more than half a million dollars to candi- dates such as Greg Abbott and Dan Patrick. He is also the front-facing liti- gator on the business side of things, taking smaller convenience stores to task for supposed copyright and IP infringement. His counterpart and co-owner, Don Wasek, is facing far more intense scru- tiny, as his son, Mitchell, 29, was charged with 21 counts of “invasive visual recording” in 2024, according to Fox Austin 7. He is accused of secretly recording house guests in bathrooms and bedrooms. These allegations, along with the blatant support for our 47th president, don’t seem to bother the teeming masses outside of Buc-ee’s, and in fact, for many, it seems to be a value add. This is fun. It’s just a gas station. They’re bringing jobs! They have brisket! The bathrooms – so clean! The bar, already low, hovers just over the floor. An army of buck-toothed beaver battalions, with mediocre Texas barbecue and AI-generated knick-knacks at the ready, would have us believe that this is the next iteration of American greatness. Join or die. Or, at the very least, miss out on these pecan rolls. So we stand here, at the brink of the last stages of unashamed consumerism. The blank, dead eyes of a cartoon rodent beckon us to get in line. You’d think here at the end of capitalism, they would at least have the decency to give us edible brisket. Brisket at 6 a.m., anyone? (Zach Oden) Beaver Believers from p 16
