4 December 19-25, 2024 miaminewtimes.com | browardpalmbeach.com New Times | music | cafe | culture | Night+Day | news | letters | coNteNts | MONTH XX–MONTH XX, 2008 miaminewtimes.com MIAMI NEW TIMES | CONTENTS | LETTERS | RIPTIDE | METRO | NIGHT+DAY | STAGE | ART | FILM | CAFE | MUSIC | ▼ MIAMI IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY? CHATGPT ROASTS MIAMI (WITH A PINCH OF PRAISE). BY ZULEKHA PITTS W hen a Redditor asked ChatGPT to roast Miami earlier this week, the AI came out swinging, burning the Magic City harder than the blazing sun over a bikini-clad model falling asleep on South Beach. About an hour later, a fellow Redditor flipped the script, asking AI to say something beautiful and true about Miami. The result- ing posts couldn’t be more opposite: One bru- tally roasts the city for its incessant traffic, unrepaired potholes, and rented opulence, while the other renders a poetic paean to Mi- ami’s chaotic charm. The bad — and the just plain ugly — comes first, but rest assured: By the end of this story, the good will shine through like the neon glow that comes over Biscayne Bay after dark. The Roast: Brutal But on Point The burn (embedded above) begins with ChatGPT summing up Miami as a place “where the weather is hotter than the traffic arguments, but not as humid as the tourists’ desperation to find parking.” And really, is there a better time to roast Miami’s traffic than during Art Basel, when gridlock turns the city into a parking lot from Wynwood to South Beach? It doesn’t stop there. The AI doubles down, mocking the city’s indecision over its identity: “It’s a city that can’t decide if it wants to be South America, a cruise ship ter- minal, or a music video set.” ChatGPT isn’t shy about Miami’s pothole- ridden streets and nightlife: “The skyline screams luxury, but drive a block away, and you’re dodging potholes big enough to swal- low a Vespa. And let’s talk about nightlife — half the people in the club have rented their outfits, their cars, and probably their person- alities.” Finally, it closes with a biting jab at Mi- ami’s duality: “It’s the only place where you can spot a millionaire and someone who just spent their last $200 on bottle service at the same table — and they’re both arguing over whose boat is docked closer.” Redditors have a lot to say. One user calls It “so fucking hilarious,” while another ad- mits, “Holy, we’re cooked.” And the final burn is the winner for one user who says, “The last roast is the best lmao.” Another Redditor touches on the city’s os- tentation: “Facts, especially about the rented cars, everybody wants to be rich in Miami, but they are not.” The Praise: A Poetic Love Letter About an hour after the roast post went live, a second Redditor gives ChatGPT a shot at redeeming Miami by asking it to say something beautiful and true about Vice City (see embed below). The AI dutifully shifts gears, waxing po- etic about the city’s unique energy: “Miami is a city that never quite lets you catch your breath, and maybe that’s the point. It’s the heavy heat that clings to your skin, the salt in the air that reminds you the ocean is always close, and the energy that pulses through ev- ery street like it’s daring you to keep up.” ChatGPT describes Miami as “alive in a way that’s chaotic and beautiful — cars honk- ing, music spilling out of windows, voices switching from Spanish to English to Creole without missing a beat.” It also captures the city’s contradictions: “Old men playing domi- noes in Little Havana while sleek sports cars glide down Brickell. The pastel art deco buildings stand like postcards from a slower time, even as new towers rise, glassy and un- relenting.” The comments thread, too, is more reflec- tive, with one user writing, “This is Miami! Mi ciudad querida,” and another putting in, “This sounds like the intro to any TV show, movie, or video game about the 305. DALE!” Miami: Flawed, Fabulous, and Full of Life From the ugly truth of potholes and traffic to the beautiful chaos of its culture, Miami proves itself to be a city that’s impossible to define in simple terms. Whether roasted or revered, the Magic City inspires passionate responses from Redditors and ChatGPT alike. In a place where contradictions reign su- preme, it’s no surprise Miami can take a roast, turn it into a celebration, and leave the rest of the world wishing they could join the party. After all, even when our city’s flaws are on full display, we know full well there’s no- where else quite like it. | RIPTIDE | GET MORE NEWS & COMMENTARY AT MIAMINEWTIMES.COM/NEWS A view from above circa 2016 — just for perspective Photo by Nisian Hughes/Getty Images ▼ SOUTH FLORIDA DOES NOT COMPUTE A WALLETHUB SINGLES LIST GOES OFF THE RAILS. BY ZULEKHA PITTS F inding love is not a particularly easy ven- ture. And the city in which one lives plays a huge role in that, from single popula- tions to the availability of activities allowing for interesting dates. In WalletHub’s latest best and worst cities for singles in the United States, Tampa, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Seattle, and Pitts- burgh took the top five spots. Miami, despite its reputation as a vibrant nightlife hub, landed at No. 15 — well behind Tampa, which landed at No. 5, but ahead of most other Florida cities, as Fort Lauderdale made it to 47th place. The WalletHub study evaluated 182 U.S. cities based on three main factors: dating opportuni- ties, recreational options, and affordability. These were measured using 35 metrics, includ- ing the share of single residents, the number of nightlife venues per capita, and the average cost of date activities. While it avoided the bottom of the overall list, Miami earned the dubious title of the worst U.S. city for online dating. But perhaps what’s most intriguing about the rankings are the unexpected cities that made the cut, like Rapid City, South Dakota, which came in at No. 13, and Boise, Idaho, which placed at No. 14. Even more surprising, however, was the inclu- sion of South Florida suburbs like Hialeah (ranked 177th) and Pembroke Pines (ranked 158th). Hialeah is known for its family-first culture and thriving small businesses. But a dating hot spot? Not exactly. It’s unclear how it made the list at all. Pembroke Pines, another city known more for family life than dating, is another curious inclusion. Meanwhile, Doral — a city that has worked hard to position itself as a hot spot for young professionals with its evolving nightlife and trendy appeal — didn’t make the list at all. It’s a surprising omission, given the city’s efforts to turn the suburbia into an entertainment destination. If you’re wondering how these cities ended up on the list and Doral did not, you’re not alone. Asha Elias, New Times’ in-house dating ex- pert, believes the study fails to capture the inter- connected nature of dating in South Florida. Elias points out that while singles may live in these suburban areas, their dating lives are often centered around more colorful Miami-Dade County neighborhoods. “The hot spots in terms of where people go on dates are Coconut Grove, Brickell, downtown Miami, Wynwood, Edgewater, Little River, Miami Beach, Coral Gables, Doral,” Elias says. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the daters live in those neighborhoods.” “I think that singles in Hialeah and Pembroke Pines have a dating profile radius that goes well beyond their neighborhoods,” Elias says. [email protected] MIAMI, DESPITE ITS REPUTATION AS A VIBRANT NIGHTLIFE HUB, LANDED AT NO. 15.
