4 January 1–7, 2026 miaminewtimes.com | browardpalmbeach.com NEW TIMES | MUSIC | CAFE | CULTURE | NIGHT+DAY | NEWS | LETTERS | CONTENTS | T H E A S S H O L E W H O K I C K E D I V A N T H E U M D U C K While this list is rife with dastardly behavior, no perpetrator is quite as foul fowl as the un- identified asshole who assaulted Ivan the Muscovy duck on the University of Miami (UM) campus in August of 2025. As was first reported by the UM student newspaper, the Hurricane, campus police began investigating video footage of a person kicking the duck and a photo of another person grabbing what ap- peared to be the same duck by the wings on the Coral Gables campus. A social-media fire- storm ensued. Everyone was certain the victim was Ivan, a campus celebrity beloved for his good nature. Many noted that the culprit was sporting the school’s colors and wore what ap- peared to be a UM-issued lanyard. Notably, Muscovy ducks are considered an invasive species in Florida. While they’re protected un- der the federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service has is- sued a control order for the species, and UM has previously removed the birds from campus grounds. Coral Gables cops reportedly ar- rested the duck-kicker, whom they cited with a so-called promise to appear (a common ap- proach for offenses deemed minor in the eyes of the law). The good news: Members of UPurr, UM’s cat lovers club, confirmed that Ivan was alive and well. M O R D E C H A I B R A F M A N On February 15, 2025, in a case of xenophobically induced mistaken identity, Mordechai Brafman, a 27-year-old Jewish Miami Beach resident, allegedly fired 17 rounds at a car, believing its occupants were Palestinian. Brafman’s intended victims — one of whom was shot in the shoulder, the other grazed on the arm — were actually two Israeli Jews vis- iting the U.S. Brafman, a plumber, was ar- rested on two counts of attempted murder. According to an incident report, he told in- vestigators that “while he was driving his truck, he saw two Palestinians and shot and killed both.” Brafman’s attorney told New Times that his client “was experiencing a se- vere mental health emergency.” Court re- cords indicate that the defense plans to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. Brafman, who spent time in a court-ordered mental health inpatient program, is now under monitored release pending trial. S H E I L A C H E R F I L U S - M C C O R M I C K During the pandemic, while the rest of us were streaming Tiger King and committing unspeakable crimes against sourdough, U.S. Rep. Cherfilus-McCormick was running Trinity Healthcare Services, a company the State of Florida retained to register people for vaccines. After Trinity invoiced the state for $50,000, someone did a tiny whoopsie and VERY YEAR, AS CHILDREN PAINSTAKINGLY ENUMERATE THEIR MATERIAL WANTS ALONGSIDE their virtuous bona fides in hopes that Santa will shower them with all their li’l hearts’ desires, Miami New Times is hard at work compiling a different sort of list. We recall to mind those who, rather than bringing honor to South Florida, cause us to cringe at the sting of guilt by association. Because what would the Magic City be without scams, heists, science denialism, assorted idiocy, and brawls over [checks notes] country club prime rib? Those who made the cut made headlines for various degrees of alleged faux pas, from getting busted for kicking a duck on a college campus to hawking art forgeries to depriving the entire Sunshine State of tooth decay prevention. Et freaking cetera. Behold, listed alphabetically by shame bringer, New Times’ Dirty Dozen Class of 2025. The top 12 Floridians who caused us to cringe most at the sting of guilt by association. • BY M I A M I N E W T I M E S S TA F F WSVN screenshot Miami-Dade County photos E
