15 December 7 - 13, 2023 dallasobserver.com DALLAS OBSERVER Classified | MusiC | dish | Culture | unfair Park | Contents Shallow Ellum Deep Ellum’s mega bars: Are you a perfect fit? BY VALERIE WHITE A s Food Editor Lauren Drewes Daniels wrote recently, Deep Ellum has developed a rather impersonal, corporate ve- neer. It’s the same thing that happens all over the city (and seemingly ev- ery U.S. city): uniquely interesting — and slightly shitty — neighborhoods get “revital- ized” in a way that strips them of their spirit and whitewashes them to the point that they are nearly unrecognizable. The original resi- dents get priced out, and with them goes what made the place interesting in the first place. Deep Ellum is no exception. Chain restaurants, mechanical bulls, party bike tours and axe throwing have all contributed to a transformation that feels totally discon- nected from the neighborhood’s roots. The more sanitized and homogenized version of Deep Ellum makes it feel much less authentic, and a lot more gimmicky. Hell, at this rate it seems like we’re about two years away from putting in a Ripley’s Be- lieve It Or Not. A key harbinger of the corporate takeover came in 2017, with the opening of Bottled Blonde. You’ve probably heard of it, maybe you’ve driven by and seen the long line of people waiting to get in on a Friday night, or maybe you’ve been there and had your card declined while trying to pay for your bottle service tab. Admittedly it’s a bit hilarious when a procession of bombshell bottle girls carrying a glowing “card declined” sign march up to a drunk, bewildered and em- barrassed man in shorts. Bottled Blonde was the first so-called “mega bar” to stake a claim in Deep Ellum, but many others have followed, and they are popping up and opening their doors at a head-spinning rate. Just cross over Gaston toward the tim -worn Deep Ellum DART Station, and you’ll be instantly transported to a whole other world amid a crowd that could easily be mistaken for contestants auditioning for the next season of Love Island. There’s Blum, Backyard, Green Light Social Saaya, and a couple of other old buildings that will soon host an enthusiastic crowd of well- heeled leasing agents after a long day on their grind. These immense bar complexes offer a very particular brand of entertainment. There’s an inexplicable allure to these bars, almost akin to the feeling of staying in an upscale hotel room. They’re clean and im- personal, and they offer an appealing sense of detachment and escapism. There’s noth- ing to remind you of the world outside, cre- ating an almost alternate reality where everything seems inconsequential and meaningless but, like, in a cool, liberating way. You don’t always want to think, or feel. Maybe you had a terrible week and all you want to do is have fun and forget how much you hate your boss for a few hours. Mega bars are the reality television of nightlife, and in and of itself, that can be a really great thing. Still not convinced? Here are a few indi- cators to help you determine if the mega bar is up your alley, 1. Valet parking is non-negotiable. You’re busy, you don’t have time to deal with the scammers posing as parking lot attendants. Paying $25 for parking is absolutely worth your peace of mind. 2. You have more than one friend named Kyle, Mark or Tiffany. 3. You live to take Boomerangs under millennial-pink neon signs. “Do Fun Shit” is your new IG bio. 4. You go out only on Saturday. Unless it’s a three-day weekend, when it’s time to get absolutely obliterated at Sunday brunch. 5. You consider yourself a part of The Bachelor Nation. 6. You refuse to give up your skin-tight, ripped skinny jeans, no matter what the kids say. Even your own kids. 7. Your go-to cocktail is an espresso mar- tini, and you’re definitely going to have at least five of them. With Kyle, Mark or Tif- fany. 8. You snap your fingers to get a server’s attention. It’s their job to serve you after all, and they should be paying attention if they want to earn a 10% tip. You’re only helping. 9. You work in finance because the MRS degree didn’t pan out, but you’re planning to find the man who will make you his stay-at- home wife any day now. 10. You think Elon Musk is a genius. 11. You keep Zyn in your pocket just in case you can’t bring your Elf bar into the club. 12. You’ve agonized over a man who regu- larly wears tan cargo shorts and can’t cook. 13. You dread Mondays because that’s when you have to start “adulting” again. 14. You have a golden retriever named Tucker that you take to the Katy Trail Ice- house at least once a week. And then you post about your “daddy-daughter” date with your dog. 15. You’ll be drinking out of a large nov- elty mug that says “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee” the next day when you are severely hung over. No one’s trying to talk to you. You’re all alone. 16. The Gucci belt with the large double ‘G” logo still has you in a chokehold. 17. You refuse to download TikTok but watch Instagram Reels all day at the office. 18. Your favorite TV show is The Office, and you quote it often. 19. Your kitchen cabinets are filled with Rae Dunn pottery. 20. You love ordering complicated shots with weird names; you don’t even mind having to remind the bartender what’s in a Buttery Nipple. Mike Brooks Clubgoers wait outside Bottled Blonde. Is Bottled Blonde or any other Deep Ellum mega bar the right fit for you? | B-SIDES | t Music
