▼ Music JACK ASSETS Before Ye makes a bad financial decision with Parler, we have a better shopping list for him. BY LIAM GAUGHAN statements could once be laughed off as a desperate bid for attention, his recent use of the phrase “White Lives Matter” in his clothing line Yeezy and his antisemitic tweets inspired a huge backlash among fans and got him banned from Twitter last week. The rapper, who has long supported for- A mer President Donald Trump, isn’t going to let his Twitter ban keep him from speaking his mind. West is in early talks to purchase the conservative social media platform Par- ler, a haven for extremism that has been un- der close examination since the Capitol riots of Jan. 6, according to CNN, for its contin- ued failure to monitor hate speech. The merging of Ye and Parler has us long- ing for the days when ridiculous celebrity purchases were something we could laugh about, like when Nicolas Cage was buying di- nosaur bones and Michael Jackson was in- dulging in Macaulay Culkin collectibles. Even Elon Musk’s bid to buy Twitter was amusing for a moment. West is estimated to be one of the richest people in the world. While he could defi- nitely use his abundant wealth for noble purposes, that doesn’t seem likely. If he is going to indulge in these kinds of ridiculous purchases, we think that there are more dumb things that he should get going in ad- dition to a site for neo-Nazis. Here’s a list of better ways Ye could spend his money. Starting His 2024 Campaign Is Kanye ever going to actually follow through with his promise (or threat) to run for president of the United States? Although he had flirted with the idea of running be- fore, he actually filed with the FEC and re- ceived 66,365 votes in 12 states. He’s also tweeted that he intends to relaunch in 2024. Look, Kanye will probably never be presi- dent, but perhaps a 2024 run could splinter the conservatives between two wild candi- dates if Trump also decides to run again. Hiring Better Westworld Writers Kanye’s popularity surged again after the Season 2 trailer for HBO’s popular science fiction series Westworld debuted at the 52nd ny good will that Kanye West ever generated based on his impressive talents as a musi- cian seems to be diminishing. While Ye’s controversial Super Bowl using a piano cover of his hit song “Runaway.” Although Westworld was highly acclaimed in its first season, reviews and viewership have declined as the show contin- ues to complicate its own timeline, and it has yet to be renewed for a fifth season. Maybe Kanye can independently fund it, and hire a better writing team while he’s at it. Buying Taylor Swift’s Private Jet Kanye’s actions toward Taylor Swift have gotten him in hot water endless times over the years. However, Swift herself was at the center of a recent scandal when details emerged about the egregious environmental impact caused by her private jet’s emissions. If Kanye really wants to get back at Swift and hold himself to a higher standard, he could buy her jet and ground it for good. Burning His “White Lives Matter” Shirts Somehow, Ye managed to outdo the ugli- ness of Yeezy shoes with a graphic tee no one needed. Hiring Will Smith’s Publicity Team If Kanye really wants to get back in good graces with the public, he should look no further than Will Smith. The actor has a new movie called Emancipation coming out in December despite having assaulted Chris Rock in front of a live audience and count- less viewers at home just a few months ago. If Smith managed to stay “uncanceled,” maybe Kanye should invest in whatever bril- liant PR firm he’s hired. Funding Alejandro Jodorowsy’s Dune Kanye has some strange interests, and has re- vealed that he’s a massive fan of the notorious cult filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky. The 93-year-old Chilean writer-director is known for his bizarre, violent and surrealist arthouse films, but has had to turn to kickstarter cam- paigns in order to fund his most recent proj- ects. In 2014, the documentary Jodorowsky’s Dune premiered in Dallas at the USA Film Festival, and told the story of Jodorowsky’s failed attempts to craft an ambitious 18-hour version of Dune. A crypto collective recently bought the rights to the film’s original manu- script, but perhaps Kanye can outbid them. Invest in Kim Kardashian’s Prison Reform Ye has been on a tear with bad decisions. Chris Victorio Among many offenses, Kim Kardashian has terrorized the world with awful TV content for 15 years, but she’s done one bit of good with her fame: She has successfully advocated for prison reform by financing and supporting the release of countless inmates. Ye should really stop feuding publicly with his ex-wife and her family and support her efforts. Apologizing To Every Chick-Fil-A Employee If we were listing the worst lyrics of all time, the Chick-Fil-A reference in Ye’s song “Closed on Sunday” would rank pretty high. He owes an apology to every teenager work- ing shifts at Chick-Fil-A who’s had to hear customers repeat the song back to them. Maybe he could invest in giving them all a handwritten note. Building An Actual Wonka Factory Among the various figures to which West has compared himself is Charlie and the Choco- late Factory’s Willy Wonka. But could he de- liver on that promise? Kanye has yet to venture into candy production, but we imag- ine that would be a better use of his time than perusing the message boards of Parler full of adults complaining about a Black mermaid. Re-creating the “Thriller” Video Kanye made a cameo as an MTV anchor during the “news team battle” in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. In the film, Kanye gets the idea for Michael Jackson’s infamous video after watching Liam Neeson turn into a werewolf. Michael Jackson is maybe the only celebrity with a more rabid fanbase than Kanye, but perhaps Ye could one-up him by doing his own version of the most iconic music video of all time. A Better McDonald’s Ad It’s no secret that Kanye loves McDonald’s. He once tweeted that it was his all-time favorite restaurant and penned a poetic love letter to the fast food chain in Frank Ocean’s magazine in 2018. He also redesigned a version of the Happy Meal this year. If Kanye loves McDon- ald’s this much, surely he can come up with a better television spot than the one he debuted at the last Super Bowl. His favorite pig-out lo- cale deserves better than a lazy cameo. TO ENTER SCAN 1 21 ENTER TO WIN TICKETS TO A SPECIAL FREE ADVANCE NOVEMBER 15 ANGELIKA FILM CENTER DALLAS SCREENING TUESDAY, 7:30PM dallasobserver.com dallasobserver.com CLASSIFIED | MUSIC | DISH | CULTURE | UNFAIR PARK | CONTENTS | CONTENTS | UNFAIR PARK | SCHUTZE | FEATURE | NIGHT+DAY | CULTURE | MOVIES | DISH | MUSIC | CLASSIFIED | DALLAS OBSERVER DALLAS OBSERVER NOVEMBER 3–9, 2022 MONTH XX–MONTH XX, 2014
