16 August 13 - 19, 2026 dallasobserver.com DALLAS OBSERVER Classified | MusiC | dish | Culture | unfair Park | Contents 5. Zach Bryan If Drake has a counterpart in country mu- sic, it’s Zach Bryan, another artist who re- quires a Bible-length rundown on his douchebaggery. But we’ve got deadlines to meet, so we’ll hit the high (or, rather, low) notes. Bryan attracted mass attention after an explosive breakup with a popular TikTok cre- ator named Briana Chickenfry (again, we don’t have time to get into that name right now) who alleged that he was emotionally and mentally abusive for the duration of their rela- tionship. She claims that he then offered to buy her a house and throw in $12 million if she signed an NDA with the agreement to never publicly discuss their relationship. She never signed, and we became privy to just how much he sucks. On top of it all, he got married a short time later. We’ve all had an ex move on far too quickly, and it almost always carries a weird sense of forced happiness. Oh, and he’s retired from music via notes app paragraph screen- shot on Instagram twice (once because he wanted to get his master’s degree in Paris), only to return shortly thereafter. 4. Jimmie Allen Jimmie Allen is one of the few “American Idol” stars to make it “big,” but there may not be a single less deserving person. In 2023, Allen was accused of sexual harass- ment and assault. He never responded to the allegations, neither online or in civil court, despite several legal summonses. In June, a judge ordered Allen to pay $600,000 in compensation to the accuser and an- other $1.2 million in punitive dam- ages, which is the penalty for ignoring all those court orders. We don’t know about you, but we surely don’t have $1.8 million ly- ing around to waste on being a huge douche. 3. Kid Rock This one is self-explanatory. On the off chance you’ve recently emerged from an un- derground bunker and are brushing up on country’s biggest douchebags, Kid Rock landed himself here for many things, but most recently for headlining Turning Point USA’s “All-American Super Bowl” halftime shit show. The production was in protest of the actual halftime show performed by Pu- erto Rican artist (and American citizen, mind you) Bad Bunny. The Benito Bowl, as it came to be known, was watched by 128 million, with a whopping 6 million losers tuning in to watch a man in light-wash jorts lip-sync “Bawitdaba.” And if anyone’s counting, we’d like to note that the mullet-having singer is from a wealthy suburb in Michigan. Poser. 2. Morgan Wallen Where to begin with this one? Let’s start with a 2016 DUI, when he was still a baby art- ist. Then there’s his infamous 2020 charge for public intoxication. The singer was arrested after being kicked out of douchebag No. 3 Kid Rock’s Nashville bar, Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N’ Roll Steakhouse. But those were minor offenses compared to his 2021 scandal, when he was caught screaming racial slurs af- ter another drunken night in Nashville. Wallen had his recording contract suspended and was blacklisted from awards season until 2022, when he made his big return to trophy nights at the Billboard Music Awards. The real kicker? He was avenged by that year’s host and executive producer Sean “Diddy” Combs. Wal- len now sells out stadiums, and Combs is in federal prison. Oh, and Wallen was arrested again in 2024 for launching a chair off Eric Church’s Nashville bar, Chief’s. Old habits, like reckless endangerment, die hard. 1. Jason Aldean The list of Jason Aldean’s controversies is truly too long to put in a single blurb, so we’ll highlight the most recent. Aside from being incapable of making an actually good song, Ja- son Aldean used his undeserved stature in the music industry to make a statement on Ameri- can culture, or whatever version of it he claims. He was dropped by his public relations firm in 2022 for transphobic comments he and his wife made. Then in 2023, the music video for his song “Try That in a Small Town” imme- diately caught controversy for its lyrics that read as a threat to people who protest police brutality. To top it off, the singer filmed the music video at the site of a lynching. Though it’s a popular filming location and has been featured in many other artists’ music videos and films, we’re not feeling especially forgiv- ing. Also, he wore blackface for a Lil’ Wayne Halloween costume in 2015, cheated on his wife, and continues to share pro-gun rhetoric despite being on stage during the 2017 Las Ve- gas shooting, which is, to date, the deadliest mass shooting in United States history. In case you’re wondering, Keith Urban is spared the guillotine because he can really shred on a guitar, but if Nicole Kidman is read- ing this, we think frosted tips in 2026 should be considered a crime against humanity. You shouldn’t need us to tell you Kid Rock is a douche, but we will, just in case. Theo Wargo County Blues from p15 Scan Here to Enter to Win 2 Tickets SCAN HERE TO ENTER TO WIN A PAIR OF TICKETS
